WTM #1042: The X Marks the Xmess

new-glarus-cemeterywReck thiS meSS ~ Radio Patapoe 88.3
Amsterdam ~ Ethno-Illogical Psycho-Radiographies 
22 December 2008 // 17.00-19.00
Roses are reddish / Violets are bluish / If it weren’t for Christmas / We’d all be Jewish.
• Benny Hill
It’s a time when the greedy give a dime to the needy / Blue Christmas, all the paper, tinsel and the fal-de-ral / Blue Xmas, people trading gifts that matter not at all / What I call / Fal-de-ral
• Miles Davis & Bob Dorough
Jesus Was A Nice Guy > News report [1]
Jesus Blood Never Failed Me > Gavin Bryars [2]
Jesus, Puerto Rican Boxing Champion >  Elodie Lauten [3]
Cold-Blooded Christmas > Jon Lajoie [4]
900 Foot Jesus > Tragic Mulatto [5]
Jesus > Velvet Underground
Fairytale Of New York > The Pogues [6]
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer > Jingle Animals [7]
“Happy Xmas” (War Is Over) > John Lennon & Yoko Ono [8]
What Will Santa Claus Say > Louis Prima [9]
Swingin’ Them Jingle Bells > Fats Wallers [9]
Yodelin for Jesus > Betty Orshaw [10]
Cool Yule > Louis Armstrong [9]
Jesus Gave Me A Yodel > Buzz Goertzen [10]
Jesus Came (Age 4) > Marjoe Gortner [11]
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer Mambo > Billy May [9]
My Name is Jesus > Thee Mysterious Asthmatic Avenger [12]
Feliz Navi-Nada > El Ves [13]
Frosty the Snowman > Rev. Frost [13]
Touch Me Lord Jesus > Angelic Gospel Singers
Jesus At McDonalds > Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper
RANGE IN THE SKY (Jesus Yodel) > Disco Saints [10]
Early on One Christmas Morn > Cotton-top Sanctified Singers [13]
Brazilian Sleigh Bells > Harry James [9]
I Want Elvis For Christmas > Holly Twins w/Eddie Cochran [13]
Santa Claus Got Stuck in My chimney > Ella Fitzgerald [9]
Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto > James Brown [13]
Boogie Woogie Santa Claus > Lionel Hampton
Joy to the World > Chet Baker [13]
Coldcut’s Christmas Break > Coldcut [13]
Jingle Bells > Earl Scruggs [13]
Jingle Bells > Frank Sinatra [14]
Jingle Bells Yodel > Lovers Show [15]
White Christmas > Dick Haymes [14]
White Christmas > Melt Banana [13]
Jingle Bells > Tenchi Muyo [13]
Getting Down for Xmas > Milly & Silly [13]
So They Giveth Unto Him some Fish > God Is For Real, Man [16]
Randolph, the Rouge-nosed Reindeer > Justin Wilson [13]
24 December > PIzzicato Five [13]
Yingle Bells > Yogi Yergesson [17]
Merry Christmas Baby > Ramones [18]
Christmas in Hollis > Run DMC [19]
Blue Xmas > Miles Davis & Bob Dorough [20]
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas > Yogi Yergesson [17]
[1] Some guy spent 25 years researching and writing a book to prove that Jesus was a nice guy.
[2] My intro into the enchanting sounds of Gavin Bryars. Amazingly haunting piece of looped sampling.
[3] I was always attracted to the title but its an amazing song that moves along like a punch-drunk boxer.
[4] He’s a gifted writer of parody novelty songs with a sharp eye for the BS in other genres. His “I’m just an Average Guy I and II” were my fave singles of 2008.
[5] Indie punkish band picks up on this great title of what I believe is a vision Oral Roberts had of the guy. There is also a giant piece of roadside architecture. Somewhere in the middle of America, a giant Jesus that can never be too big to express the big-hearted love some Christians feel for the guy. Not to be confused with MC 900-Foot Jesus, Mark Griffin, classical musician who was one of the first to successfully combine rap and punk and rock.
[6] Voted 2nd best Xmas song – I think Bing’s “White Xmas” came in at #1 – on BBC’s Top of the Pops.
[7] dogs & cats are singers too.
[8] Somehow this one holds up despite the antiquated sense of hope and the conviction that peace is at hand.
[9] Swingin’ Christmas, TIM, 2001. A great discount collection.
[10] There is a whole tribe of yodelers yodelin for Jesus and I am determined to find out why they believe Jesus wants them to yodel his message.
[11] amazing character, childhood brimstone preacher who later in a great documentary revealed all the tent show tricks of the trade
[12] He’s mysterious, he’s lo-fi, he’s French, he’s a yodeler, he’s pure trashabilly, he’s asthmatic see: http://bartyodel2.wordpress.com/
http://asthmatic.avenger.free.fr/Or And an upcoming issue of the Brooklyn Rail for a full profile of the MAA.
[13] Have been receiving x-mas CD collections from Jose Padua for about 6 years. He has a great knack for stacking taste and obscurity next to wacked novelty.
[14] Crooners at Christmas, Musicbank, 2000.
[15] check out this video. It is available on Youtube. It is a cool, calm, calculated [on sedatives] rendition but is somehow highly erotic as the female of the duo jingles those bells and the male handles some very controlled yodeling.
[16] Wacked waxers of hipoid street Jesus. Jesus deals the right dope.
[17] Part of that drunken-comical complaining genius genre of Xmas songs. Check out Jim Leary’s excellent book Polkabilly for more on the underrated and mostly ignored music scene of German-Polish-Scandinavian immigrants in Wisconsin.
[18] Ramones power Xmas into party time except they are almost all dead. Long live the dead.
[19] Still one of the greatest of all time rapp grupze.
[20] The very best of [anti-consumption] Xmas complaining.
Merry Christmas
I hope you have a white one, but for me it’s blue
Blue Christmas, that’s the way you see it when you’re feeling blue
Blue Xmas, when you’re blue at Christmastime
you see right through,
All the waste, all the sham, all the haste
and plain old bad taste
Sidewalk Santy Clauses are much, much, much too thin
They’re wearing fancy rented costumes, false beards and big fat phony grins
And nearly everybody’s standing round holding out their empty hand or tin cup
Gimme gimme gimme gimme, gimme gimme gimme
Fill my stocking up
All the way up
It’s a time when the greedy give a dime to the needy
Blue Christmas, all the paper, tinsel and the fal-de-ral
Blue Xmas, people trading gifts that matter not at all
What I call
Bitter gall…….Fal-de-ral
Lots of hungry, homeless children in your own backyards
While you’re very, very busy addressing
Twenty zillion Christmas cards
Now, Yuletide is the season to receive and oh, to give and ahh, to share
But all you December do-gooders rush around and rant and rave and loudly blare
Merry Christmas
I hope yours is a bright one, but for me it bleeds
Growing up and beyond: Xmas was often a disaster. It was either not getting anything I REALLY wanted – OK I DID need socks but NOT an electric pizzamaker – or people did not appreciate the effort I put into the gifts I made, bought, wrapped special or whatever. It was hormones, a deep-seated dissatisfaction with rampant consumption, the fake sentimentality, Hallmark Cards, the “generosity” toward the invisible poor around Xmas as a show or bribe to one’s own conscience just in case god is keeping tabs. Everything seemed hypocritical, over the top, hysterical and in desperate search for ritual, for meaning in all the wrong places. This all changes when you have a kid. Paloma is now 9 and no longer believes in Santa, but she does still [want to] believe in Sinterklaas, the Dutch version, who is a lot less slick and has better acting skills, is more realistic, actually DOES arrive by boat and seems VERY real to kids. The religious debate this past Sinterklaas 5 Dec. Was whether he really exists. Paloma was a massive believer in everything and every god [including Ganesh & Buddah and many others] because many of them included such interesting fables and stories and wild costumes etc. But now she is more agnostic and is not going to FALL for the major religious stories… He believes in Sinterklaas BUT believes there are also a lot of imitators out there. In any case, many kids continue to believe because it increases their gift intake. Paloma is lucky because she gets presents twice: Sinter & Xmas. Although Dutch people celebrate Xmas, they seldom give gifts during that holiday.

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